Thoughts and Hopes and Dreams

It’s like I’m on a mission to hurt myself today

I decided to go through all of my old conversations with my ex on facebook today. I started with the wreck of my attempts at being his friend. Everything I said spilled my jealousy and proved that I wanted nothing more than to instill those same feelings in him. 
Then I progressed to the days leading up to the breakup and the instant aftermath. So many promises. He cared about me, wanted to stay friends always. All lies.
And then I looked at the times when we were “happy”, joking about this and that and signing off every night with “I love you”.

Did I love him? I don’t even know. My hatred for him has marred any positive memories. He was mine. He belonged to me. He was home. I still remember the details of his face and body and how he felt. But I don’t remember it ever being good. I can’t remember a time when our relationship was anything other than a wreck. It was a carefully constructed lie, aimed at making us both believe we were happy while inside we were miserable. It’s weird; he was home to me and I can still remember that feeling but now he’s nothing more than a stranger. I don’t know what he’s doing with his life or how things are going with her. 

I can’t tell where the resentment came from. For a while I wanted to be friends. Maybe I’m sick of trying and getting shot down. Maybe it’s my jealousy that he found someone (wrong for him, but tolerant and legitimately doting) right away and I can’t get anybody to stick around. Either way, I despise him. I can’t stand the thought of him. I get angry, furious even. He’s the most real relationship I’ve ever had and now it all seems like a bad dream. It was a mistake. I knew it was wrong pretty early on but never had the heart to end it. I’m glad I finally did but somehow it still feels like a mess.

I want to move on. I want somebody to care about me. Like he never did.

I don’t know why I thought it would be good to dwell on this all. I was already in a “forever alone” mood. This kind of set it in further. Oh well. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.

A most heart-felt letter to you

I keep telling my friends about how you are hands down the most attractive person I have ever met. I gush over how you made me feel. But I justify it all with saying you were an ass and horrible to me.

Were you? You were cynical, but realistic. I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. I feel so determined to resent you. I feel like I have to. But I want nothing more than to ask for you to take me back again. I am sure I’ve messed up the emotions too much on both sides to make this possible. I don’t think I could go back without having a surge of what it used to be, without ending trapped. I don’t even know if you’d give me the time of day at this point. But God, you are perfect. I can’t stop thinking about you. I wish I thought you felt the same.

On the other hand, there is someone new. I’m really excited to hear from him and when he kissed me it was amazing. It was something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I feel like he’s all wrong for me though and I’m confused about these feelings. I didn’t think I had them after you. I’m trying to embrace it and live in the moment but the fact that I can’t shake you from my head means something’s wrong. To have just one more night, to have closure, would solve it all. I think. Maybe. But that’s not possible, is it?

The stages of a breakup

1. Mourning. 
I don’t care if you’re the one doing the breaking up or if you’re the one that got dumped. If you have a heart and spent a significant amount of time with this person, you’re going to be a bit crushed. During this phase, one is likely to cry, sleep excess amounts, drink heavily, and eat either a lot or very little.
This is also the phase that corresponds to questioning what could have been. One is likely to keep the ex in question close in some way. There may be desperate attempts at getting back together or just a lot of moping over old photos, facebook wall-to-wall posts, or trinkets and memories.

2. Anger.
At this point, the hatred kicks in. It’s natural and a good thing. You resent your ex for dragging you down for so long or breaking up with you or cheating on you. Whatever that other person did, you hate them for it. At this point, numbers may be deleted, unfriending may happen, photos may be torn up and/or burned, and items with relationship significance may be thrown out or destroyed in some fashion.

3. Exploring.
Once the anger starts to fade away (or even while it’s still going on, show THEM who’s boss!) changes happen. This is when females cut or dye their hair or start dieting or buy a whole new wardrobe. Changes happen.
Also, this is the phase when you start to explore options. Remember everyone you ever thought was cute while you were in a relationship? All of your friends of the opposite sex? Now’s time to hook up with them and see where it might go. This is not a time for seriousness and the first is sure to be a rebound. 
During this phase, attempts at establishing a friendship with the ex may happen. You want him/her to see how well you’re doing and the anger has dissipated at least slightly.

4. Singlehood.
This is where I’m at right now. The exploring phase is over and a true dislike for the ex has set in. If a friendship was established, it is likely awkward, and if the other has moved on, resentment might happen but a peace has settled. This is the calm before the storm of another relationship. The focus changes from finding a replacement to enjoying what one has and spending time with friends.

I currently despise my ex (he’s actually the only person that I’d put that label on!) but have moved past hating men and all of that nonsense. I’ve also moved past pursuing every man I meet. For the first time since my breakup, I’m ACTUALLY single. I mean, there hasn’t been a relationship but from August - October I was interested enough in someone not to pursue anybody else and from October - February I was interested in someone else. This is the first time that I can sit back and do whatever the hell I want and I’m going to take advantage of it and have fun.

Honestly, if The One were to find me at this point in my life, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with myself. I don’t know if I’d dismiss him because I’m just not ready for that nonsense yet or if I would recognize him for what he is and take his hand and leave this all behind. I feel like I’d think I was missing out if I jumped into something right now. Either way, I’m glad to have passed all the stages (well, what I think are the stages) of a breakup and to have moved onto to good stuff: the single (and okay with it) life. 

More than anything

I want to tell him “you know, I have a right to be pissed. You told me you care about me but you refuse to admit that we’ve any chance of being together after May. You said you’re not going to change your life plans for me. Good. I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to take some shitty job here just to be with me. Hell, I’d hate you if you did that. I want you to acknowledge that you’ll still talk to me then. I want to visit you at home while you’re still here. I want you to meet my parents. And maybe I could come visit you every once in a while once you’ve moved out West. I’m not asking for a super complicated long distance relationship, but I want you to admit that anything’s possible. I want you to be mine and I don’t want a deadline.” Oh look at that, I rhymed. But seriously, I think he’s under the impression that I expect him to drop his life plans for me. That’s not the way I work. I would never do that for someone else so how could I expect them to do that for me?

I remember when my ex got two job offerings a day apart. One was in Rochester, the other in Albany. The job in Rochester would put him by me. We would be together. I could spend weekends with him, EASILY, or vice versa. It could have fixed everything that was wrong with our relationship. I told him to take the Albany job because it was more what he wanted to do. I’m not selfish. How could he not know that?

I’m so tempted to just send that message and let it be. I want to tell him just that and then never speak to him again, just to sow those seeds of doubt. I know it wouldn’t accomplish what I wanted but I feel like it’s something I have to say. However, I could say everything I think of and it would just hurt us both more. It would prolong this. And honestly, he’s not the one. He’s gorgeous and smart. I laugh around him and he makes me happy. But I never felt as comfortable as I should around him. He’s shorter than I am and some of the things he does I would never be able to support. 

It’s hard because when you start to get close to someone physically, your mind simply follows along. It’s the same as when you know someone is interested in you; you start to feel the same way. I hate our brains for that. He and I a horrible fit but I feel like we’re destined to be. It’s so tempting to reach out one more time but I promised I would back off. We both need the space. I would love to say what I have to but if he’s that determined to have things end come May then he probably doesn’t care that much at all about me and was just looking for excuses. Oh, boys. Oh, love (if you’d go that far). The healing process is a slow one but it’s happening. I’ll get over him eventually and some day, I WILL find someone worth my time. And when I do, this blog will light up with my gushing about how perfect he is and how he makes me smile and how I love him but don’t know if I should tell him yet. Until then, though, this is going to stay a secret capsule of bitter thoughts that simply don’t match the happy theme of my main blog. Someday, though.

A new resolution

I keep going back to my college town to see my old friends and pretend I didn’t graduate early. It’s great to see everyone, but my time there is starting to end with regret. I’ve moved on; I don’t live there anymore. When I am visiting, all I do is go out and pursue lost opportunities. There’s no point. I wish I could take all of my friends and move them here, to this chapter of my life but I unfortunately can’t do that. I think I just need to take a while before visiting again because I shouldn’t come home feeling like this. I feel at a loss.

A few weeks ago, my mother told me “I think you need to stop pursuing boys for a little while. If you find someone and you fall in love, that’s great. But I think you need to stop looking.” 

Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? She’s so right. Looking is just getting me into trouble. I think I’m going to take a step back and just go out to have fun with my friends. When the right person comes along I’ll know it. I need to stop attempting to mold everybody in my life now to fit my set of expectations because frankly, it’s not going so well. I know when I make resolutions they generally fall through but I mean this. I’m going to take a break from it all, sit back, and just see what happens. You always find what you’re looking for when you stop looking, right?

Oh my god. What a night.

So there’s something I left out, and I don’t know why. There was someone I legitimately, truly cared about that I ended things with a few weeks ago. We were trying to keep it casual because he has out-of-state plans for after graduation but I started to care a lot about him. I decided to talk to one of my guy friends about the whole situation and his negativity gave me a new perspective. I had been telling myself all along that we were together and a couple in every sense of the word but that we just couldn’t put a label on it. I told myself he was mine and that we cared about each other but hearing ‘then why won’t he commit?’ hit home. Hard.

I started to doubt everything. I started to read everything with a new perspective and I lost faith in him, in us. I deleted his number from my phone because I thought that it would help me detach myself emotionally. It would also prove how much he cared, if he was willing to talk to me of his own accord every day. And he did. There were very few days in which I did not hear from him but I had already begun to pull away. I was doubting everything and trying to stop my feelings for him. When he texted me a day before I would see him, he said “the fact that some man hasn’t found you yet who thinks you’re the best thing to ever happen to him and wants to marry you is a small miracle. For me. A large curse for you”. That might not be word for word; I can’t remember too well but it’s close enough because that really stuck out. At first I didn’t know what to think and then I started to feel hurt. So anybody else would consider himself lucky to have me… but he didn’t? I was angry and I responded snappily until he apologized, which I simply ignored. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I was already doubting everything and that text, although poorly worded, communicated something I didn’t want to hear: that he didn’t care.

The next night I saw him out and I tried to avoid him but I realized I couldn’t so we had a talk. We went to the bar’s outdoor porch. I perched, dressed to impress (and cold) in a black dress and heels on the bench as the snow fell from above and gazed into his eyes. I hate how attractive he is. I wanted to hear what he had to say and I had a lot to say myself. I explained how I felt that I was going to be incredibly hurt come May when he moved on and that I had been really offended by his text message. I told him I had been trying to emotionally remove myself from our situation because I knew I was going to get hurt and I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t want to hurt ever again. He made a good point. He never lied to me. I knew from the beginning that there was a deadline and that he would not be mine forever. I had ample warning, but I still kind of fell for him. I had told my housemate a few weeks earlier that I loved him after a night out. I was terrified.

Anyways, I knew he had never lied to me. I wasn’t being led on. But why couldn’t I have him? I wasn’t hearing anything that I wanted to hear so I said I needed time to think and stormed off. Later that night, I posted a facebook status “finally figured it all out”. I knew that I needed to get myself out of that situation because it had become toxic. I was vulnerable and I didn’t like it. I deleted his number. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the weekend.

The next week, feeling a bit confused that he hadn’t spoken to me, I sent a facebook message asking if we could still be friends because I did care about him. I got an angry response. He hadn’t gotten a chance to apologize, he learned it was over from my facebook status about figuring things out. He unfriended me on facebook. I was in shock. I responded as best as I could, thought about it for a bit, and found his number and made the call.

The phone call was awful. I didn’t think he would answer. We talked for over half an hour and it was just a mess. I kept talking about my concerns and he never refuted any of them. We were both hurt and I was crying at the end of the call. I don’t think he knew. I hope he didn’t. 

In the immediate aftermath of that call, I was devastated. I cried a bit more, drank some wine, and retreated to my bed so that I could be alone to think and mope. The next day, however, I felt better. I had needed to end it. I stopped thinking about him so much and I was doing well.

Until last night.

I saw him at the bar and something terrible happened in me. I collapsed. I hadn’t turned off my emotions at all. I still cared way too much. I tried to talk to him but chickened out. I cried in the bathroom. I tried to avoid him. We started to text.

The conversation was awful. I kept insisting that he never cared about me, he kept telling me I was wrong. I told him that I couldn’t get hurt, he accused me of running away. He was right. It was hopeless. We both still care about each other and we both want each other, it would seem. But the situation won’t work. He wants to spend what time we have now together and I won’t stop insisting that there’s no point if it’s over in May. I just want him to say he’ll give it a shot beyond then and that he’ll be mine. I want to show him off. I care about him. But what I wanted never happened. It was heart-wrenching. 

“I won’t stop caring about you but I’m not going to decide that subjecting myself to getting hurt is a good call. So you tell me.”

“Look, if you want to make something at all work with me, come talk to me. If not, then keep being “not vulnerable”.”

He even said “We can fix this” at one point. I was collapsed on my friend’s floor in her apartment, sobbing uncontrollably. Once we got back to her place it was game over. I texted like a maniac and cried and cried. It’s so much worse knowing that he actually does care about me and wants to make it work because he won’t commit to anything. I care about him, too. It just can’t work with us. The realization that we both still care but that there is still no hope was too much. He told me that he wasn’t going to change his life plans for me.

I sent an apologetic text today about the whole disaster that was our conversation and told him I would back off. I don’t want to. I want to be with him. But I can’t. 

So I’m sitting here, listening to coldplay and attempting to look at the screen through my almost-swollen-shut eyes and feeling hopeless. It really has to be over. But I still don’t want it to be. I guess I was wrong; I can’t turn my feelings off. I just wish I could.

The First

I’m okay with being single. I always find kind of sad, love-trodden quotes on here and I think ‘damn that’s true, but I don’t want people to see me as unhappy. because I’m really not’. At the same time, it is nice having someone, isn’t it? I like to have somebody to share my everything with and I really haven’t in quite a while. I keep meeting people and thinking they’re lovely and everything but I know none of it is ever going to go anywhere. Maybe that’s just because I’m so pessimistic. I don’t really give people the benefit of the doubt; I assume they suck and wait for them to prove otherwise. I’ve started to be a lot more straightforward; I tell people straight out how I feel. Like, I told someone that I would not hook up with him because people that want to hook up with me never want to date me after and I’m sick of getting hurt. I was right, was I not? Well, at least I was in the fact that people don’t care about me after. But I don’t let myself get hurt. I don’t really let myself get emotionally invested anymore. I’ve boycotted getting hurt. I’ve put up so many damn walls.

It’s funny; only one person made me so reserved. I went through my big breakup and all but I was fine. Then I had my ‘rebound’ who I actually started to like a lot. Things were going well, I met his best friend, and then he kind of stopped talking to me. Left alone, I had no choice but to take it as my fault for having scared him off and taking some time for self-analysis. I realized I was clingy and needy and I wanted too much. It’s funny, even now I don’t see the significance in him. I never really cared about him that much, he was just someone and I needed someone. I always latch onto people because they’re there, not because they’re right. And I spend time with them and get attached and it ends badly.

Anyways, about the first one. So I somehow found that little switch inside me and turned it off. Boom, like magic. I had turned off my emotions. It’s a bit scary that I’m capable of something like that. I don’t want to feel feelings because feelings mean I’m vulnerable. So I tell myself everything is going to be okay, drown myself a little bit in the funny and cute things I’m able to find on the internet, and move on. I always move on. But inside I still can’t help but feel regret, and on those late nights when I can’t sleep because my brain is buzzing with those nagging thoughts I always push deep down, I feel sad. And lonely. I look at every time I’ve been hurt and it’s because I was vulnerable and I started to care and the other person simply didn’t. I can look at each situation and say “oh, he was just such an a**hole. I’m so much better off!” But on those nights when I lay awake, restless, I am also able to look at each situation and think “it’s my fault. I wasn’t good enough.” 

Ever since my big breakup I’ve found a sort of peace with life. I realize there’s a lot of good in it and I honestly ignore the bad and distract myself so I don’t have to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect. However, looking over something that makes you unhappy doesn’t mean it goes away. Ever. 

This kind of turned into a rant and it didn’t really come off as miserable as I had thought; maybe my life really isn’t that bad. It’s just good to write what I think because it helps me think more. And more critically. So I’m just going to keep posting here and maybe someday I’ll let people in (I mean, if it’s on the internet then it’s public, for christ’s sake) but for now, this can be my lovely little diary that only the determined can look in on. This is my safe place and I’m going to keep it that way. For once in my life, I will not broadcast my feelings to the world because frankly, who cares?